Why bother, it's gonna hurt me.

So.. What have I honestly been up to, that I forgot about this?

A lot really, all that I will share with each and every one of you people here.. rather than go up to you in person and share with you.  Just because this is possibly the easiest way for me to be honest to everyone.

I was doing great, honestly.  Baltimore came, and honestly I had fun with everyone that was there.  The drive to and from with Michelle and Tehila were great, couldn’t ask for better passengers in my car to be honest, and then just being in that city.  Keith and Mike are lucky to be living in such a historic city, with a lot of fun things to do so close by.  Made me jealous.  On the way there, Michelle asked me a question if I was jealous of Keith and Mike.  I thought about it on the entire trip, because you know I tend to dwell on certain aspects from time to time, and honestly, no.  I am more happy for them, then I could be for anyone else.

Keith has a great job, that he’s (hopefully) happy with, that he can honestly say he’s accomplishing just what he wanted to when he got out of school, and with Mike, he’s continuing his education at the University of Maryland such a great school.  Everything is going to work out, and everything is going to be great for them, and I hope that they prosper down there, and just enjoy the lifestyle that is down there because its totally different from what is around in New Jersey.  Totally different.  In a good way.

So, where was I.. oh yeah I came home from Baltimore.

And, well that’s where shit got strange.  And not in a good way.

I get home, and instantly being at home sucks, going to work sucks.  Everything just sucks in its own right, and is pretty unfair.  I hate working where I work, there’s nothing that excites me about going into that store anymore.  I get angry when I have to meet someone that works there, at the store because of the sheer fact that I have to look at it.  I have to turn my head to the right, and look at that piece of shit building.  Things take time, and I like to think are going to change, but fuck.. when?

I decided, to start hanging out with the people that I work with, because since my sister works there now, they have no problem going to her to complain how I never hang out with them, or that they feel that I’m too good for them because I have another group of friends, that honestly I feel are more of a honest group of friends then the fucks that I have to deal with for 7-8 hours a day.  I like to distance myself from those I work with, because its just that, I work with them.  But after much peer pressure by my sister, I decided to hang out with them.

LOLOLOL, fuck that never happening again.  Just because all they fucking do is talk about work.  I have other interests, and I’m sure if they honestly took the time to get to know me, then rather knowning me as a mindless drone, that tells people “Hey, you have three eLearning modules to tak. But get this, if you don’t finish them, then I will sit right next to you, and watch you as you take them, and then you can go home.  Sounds good right?” I have interests, I have thoughts that I would like to share.  But, I learned that I can’t share it with these people, only except for maybe like one person, because she agrees that the place sucks.

I just can’t bare walking inside a store where I know I’ll hate my life by the time I walk out, and now that I have to worry about certain things, such as will my friends still be my friends after my consistent fuck ups that have been happening with me as of late, I just wonder, “Why Bother?”

Granted, this one is pretty bad, I get stuck at work because everyone decides to call out, and leave just someone else, and I get guilt tripped and forced to stay, this just isn’t what I expect from the place I work at.  I want to have a life, I need to have a life.  I just can’t right now.  And since everyone’s too busy jerking off, or whatever to do something about it (hiring people), I have to sit back and wait.  Just wait to see what exactly will happen next.

And I wonder what will happen next, I’m waiting for everyone to tell me how disappointed they are in me for certain things that I’ve done recently.  I’m waiting for people to tell me how mad they are at me for missing something.  I’m waiting for everyone to just walk away from me, and then I’ll be down to only myself.  Is this what I want?  No, but this is exactly what I am going to get, because this is apparently what God is telling me that I deserve.  And I think that’s pretty fucked up for him to tell me this shit.  Why?

Why the fuck do I deserve this?